I've been struggling for a long time trying to figure out how I fit into this world, this economy.
I have gifts and talents, but all I'm using them for for the last four years has been a part-time finance tutor, without any hope in site for anything more to come from the conventional economy. My anxiety issues make getting back in the classroom problematic and my salable skills in accounting, finance and spreadsheet-slinging run into a resume brick wall, where folks aren't interested in using a PhD former college finance professor for an entry-level position. While I have some non-academic experience (hospital accountant for Medicare and Medicaid reporting, computer store owner-operator), they don't fit into a slot that qualifies me for a non-entry-level position.
I'm not suited to sales work (insurance and financial firms often like my resume, but wouldn't like me much when I have an anxiety attack in a client's driveway or on the phone trying to cold-call) and minimum-wage service-sector jobs aren't going to help my situation, as a part-time professional tutoring job working from my comfy chair works better logistically than manning the grill at Burger Doodle; at least this way, I can give Eileen a ride to and from work and take that stressor off of her.
I'd be interested in some sort of small-m ministry work, but I'm not sure what it would be. My office skills could be useful to church and parachurch offices, but I'm not the seasoned business guy they'd hire to be a professional administrator nor the church lady they'd hire to be the church secretary.
I was at a point yesterday where when the offering plate came my way, I walked along with it until I got to the usher and said "I don't fit in the offering plate." I had hit my limit of waiting for God's plan to unfold, feeling like a 21st-century leper who rings a bell and calls "Unemployable! Unemployable"!" rather than "Unclean!"
There isn't a place where you can just walk up and get a job. If you don't fit the paradigm, or your resume doesn't, there isn't much you can do. Biblical models don't help, since gleaning the fields isn't a 21st-century option and living with my folks takes care of the basic needs, while Eileen's teacher's-aid job and my tutoring work pay our cash bills.
However, I want to serve. I want to do more than tutor ten hours a week and wait around for the next 30 years to die.
This blog is something of a service, but blogs have become somewhat passe, and my depression and anxiety has made my writing abilities atrophy as of late, where writing once or twice a week rather than multiple times a day has been an accomplishment.
I have low tolerance for platitudes right now.
I know I am supposed to be patient and wait on God's timing. I know that my worth in God's eyes is not a function of my paycheck or the number of visitors to the blog.
I have a wife who loves me to pieces, parents who are willing to have us under their roof (my dad sees caring for Eileen and I as a ministry) and friends and churchmates who come along side, like the children's pastor who relates to my anxiety issues from experience.
This isn't going to help with a conventional employer who might Google my name if I happen to pass an initial screen and wonder what a mess he'd be taking on. But their might be an unconventional employer who might have mercy and take a chance on bringing on a talented, God-fearing guy who could help their organization.